This next week is not going to be good. My parents are home every day, it's bad enough on the weekend. And the only friend that lives close is now 800km away so I'm never going to be able to get out. I had a fight with mum last night because she wants me to come to this boring old people party on new years eve but I want to do something with my friends and she was yelling at me and telling me I have to do family stuff and not organize stuff with other people. But I told her ages ago that I wanted to do something with friends and she only decided on wednesday that she was going to this party thing. She probably wont let me do anything now. It's so annoying having them home. Dads trying to figure me out, but he doesnt even know how old I am. Hes trying to convince me to work for him when I finnish school. He sais he's gonna pay me heaps, but he doesnt even have enough money to pay the people that work there now. I don't care how much money I'll get, there's no way I'm working for him, he treats everyone like crap. I wish he would leave. 

I'm also the problem though, I want to leave. They're always yelling at me. 

I am Megan

I haven't slept for so long. I just lie awake staring at the ceiling, waiting for it to collapse like everything else. I thought about how much I want everything to change. But nothing ever changes, no matter how hard I try. 

I couldn't stop. I needed it so much. There was blood everywhere, all over my sheets, and my clothes, and my arms and legs.

Their words do not help. They pretend like they know me, yet all that is me is my name. How can they know me when I have no idea who I am? 

happy monday!!!!!!!!

hope it was a good one. We had our very first monday party today! we plastered sticky notes everywhere and made a sticky note trail to the sticky note treasure. But it was soooo windy and they kept flying off so I bought some sticky tape to stick them but then we stopped coz we had to go say bye to ashley. she's traveling around aus all next year :( so I wrapped katelin in tape coz I wanted to use it. It was quite hilarious! and then I taped mel and rhianna to katelin and we all sang I'm Sticking With You by The Velvet Underground. We looked really quite sus sticking post-its on ATMs and windows and cars and seats hehe and we got the most hilarious looks when i wrapped them in tape :D and Katelin got a strange tie from the op shop and we convinced her to wear it all day :) 'twas a good day

that is cake tin fashioning a hilarious "vintage" tie and lovely cheap black and gold brand "cello tape" wtf is cello?       oh yeah question      is there caramello koalas in America???? I'm in love with caramello koalas, no jokes. 

  

ummm... holidays?

I'm bored and this is going to sound fucking mad, but I didn't want school to end today. It was good today and I would have stayed in today forever if I could. You know that excitement, when you know that something great is happening, like no more school for seven weeks. That feeling beats anything else. And for once everyone was happy and it was easy. These holidays will never be as fun as the past years. My friend is going to Perth for most of the time and I'm not allowed out of here. 

I'm really trying to convince mum to buy me a good camera for christmas. but they're like $300 so I'm gonna get all the money I have in the bank as well as the money I got for my birthday and all the money I get for christmas and put it towards the camera and hopefully I can get it, probably not though. 

I don't want next year to happen,  year ten is all about choosing TEE subjects and career choice and boring stuff that confuses me. I don't want to do TEE but I have to. It's so unfair. My sister dropped out in year 10 and went to tafe, but I have to stay and do TEE and go to uni. I've never wanted to go to uni, but my sister did, it's messed up. I have no idea what job I want, I don't care about jobs and all the things that lots of people are obsessed with, like marriage and kids and that. My friends have everything planned, they're all perfect and know everything. They treat me like I have absolutely no future, one of them even told me I have no future coz I don't want to do all what they are going to do. They said that I could never change the world, that I couldn't help any one. They have no Idea.

ahh my face is burning

mostly of sun burn, but also of happiness. Woody was sooooooo fun/funny. turns out that I didn't have to be there by 8, so I was good. But it was wierd coz I have been getting up at like 2pm for the last forever. And I got to see my friends again :D some of them anyway. When we were waiting to get on the boat my science teacher, who is hilarious and scary at the same time, came up to me and was telling me to relax and sit next to her and talk to her when we got to woody. And then she was like you look cold, have my jumper, then she just tied her jumper around my shoulders and left. I told her that I was fine coz I already had a jacket on, but she was like, no you have to be warmer! But the trip over was soo fun. We were doing the cruise around all the islands which was annoying coz we just wanted to get to woody. But we were on the top deck and it was soooo windy, it was hilarious. Every ones hair looked like it had been all gelled up after :) And we got bored so we played tongues and some other card game that Melissa made up. Then when we finally got to Woody we had the most delicious chocolate cake ever and the yuckiest cordial stuff ever. After many pieces of cake we went down to the bay and went swimming. It took ages to get in the water coz we weren't allowed out on the jetty adn the only way to get in was through many slippery rocks coz there's no sand at Woody. but we finally got in and looked deep down at the awesome fishies and scary seaweed. But it was completely too freezing so we went to the awesomest sun bathing rock ever, we named it Arthur. Then we had to have lunch, but we weren't allowed to buy from the kiosk and all there was to eat was sausages and vegetarian sausages. When I asked for a veggo sausage the guy was like do you want classic or supreme? and so I said what ever so he gave me both :) but they aren't all that yummy and I only had one piece of bread so it was pretty yuck, but better than eating mashed up pigs guts and random other things. And I got a coke from my cousin then went to sit on arthur some more, but other people were ther. So I went snorkeling a bit then we all went to scare the people off arthur. We are quite good at scaring people, we decided that we shall become professional scarers :) So we went and sat on arthur with the random people and started talking hell loud about random things and then we really scared them off by talking about nudist colonies :D And then we had to go back home. The boat trip back was so boring coz it wasn't windy and we didn't go fast. But we put on a shadow puppet show for people about The retarded fox that looked more like a foot who warned funny looking mrs Chicken that the other foxes were going to steel her vegan porridge. Then we thought that the boat was going to sink because lots of people were wearing white and Katelin decided that they were all angels that were going to heaven, and we had eaten death. Nice. When we got back to the port me mel and naomi had to walk to the office so mum could take us home, but we went to the bakery instead and made a fool of our selves :D We kept walking up and down along the counter trying to decide what to have and the girl serving us kept looking at us strange. We were like"ooh i want that, but I want that! no that!" hehe and in the end we all ended up having the same thing and the girl laughed at us muchly, but we laughed at us more. And I felt very much like a tourist coz I was walking round town in my boardies and bathers when it was still school time :) there is so very many tourists here now, it's funny. But cool coz they stop and wait for you to cross the road at the things that look like zebra crossings but really aren't. So I have decided that today was the best day I have had for a very long forever! And only 3 more days til the holidays!!!!!! YYYYYYYAAAAAAAYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so excited for our happy monday parties, all my friends are coming!! hope you had a wonderful day too!

happy monday eve

hopefully tomorrow will be good. I'm going to woody island for a reward day thing. I'm not sure why I was picked for a reward day, but I'm happy. I'm not feeling as bad today so hopefully I'll be good tomorrow. But we have to be at the jetty by 7 am! And coz I haven't been to school for the last 2 weeks I don't know much about it. I'll probably just go and sleep on my special sunbathing rock. It's this rock that we found when we were camping there last year. It's perfect, it's completely flat and in the sun. And my cousin is working over there so I'll go talk to her and get some ice cream and stuff :) and my friend said that she'll come sit with me for a bit if I'm not up to swimming and hiking :)

I had to go christmas shopping with my 8yr old cousin yesterday. I felt so sick and I could hardly stand up let alone follow her around town for hours. I was trying to find presents for people but all I got was some mints for my friend and a bag for my sister. And I've got to make presents for my friends but I don't know what to make :(  I know what I'm giving my very best friend who deserves a billion things, I made her a CD of all songs that she loves and a book that I did. It's funny, it's a kids book coz she loves them and it's all about how awesome she is :) Christmas is boring me already. It's going to be soooo boring christmas day. but I'm excited coz mum's gonna get me a Lets Talk Tactics shirt!! it wont be here until after new years though coz it's coming from england. but normally my aunty and my gran give the kids presents, but this year we get money that we're not allowed to spend. coz mum want's to go to Thailand next year for vesak. But we don't even have enough money to survive here, so we cant do anything or buy anything. it sux. And there's nothing to do on christmas because every one is boring and watches cricket and sleeps and eats. And I've had to save forever because my family are shallow and will hate me if I don't buy them big presents. But they never buy me much. Mum asks me what i want and then is like "you don't want that, you want this" shes always trying to prove me wrong. Like when the doctor asked me questions about if i feel depressed and what ever mum was like "no she's a happy girl, she just doesn't eat good" 

I have to take iron tablets coz I don't have enough iron and I have to eat all these yuck foods that have iron, because I don't eat meat except when mum forces me sometimes. So I have to have weet bix and spinach and eggs. But mum will kill me if I don't. 

And I'm not allowed to leave here in the holidays. I'm not even allowed to go to perth when mum goes. Mum wont let me do anything for new years either. I'm never allowed to do anything with my friends.

look! over there -->

aha, I, Megan something something, have 3 followers! sounds like some sort of religion. Ooh lets start a cult!  it shall be smeg-headidity and when you join you will become an honorary smeg head, just like me! and we shall not ever say "were changing the world for the better" No one starts a cult to make the world a better place. It's just a bunch of loonies who want to see other people turn into loonies. Sounds perfect for me!

Speaking of me, I went to Dr. Dad-of-a-guy-in-my-maths-class yesterday. (good segue  or what!?) I woke up with a sore throat for the 8th day in a row, but yesterday mum actually cared. Weird. So I had to get out of bed and go to the doctor :( but my nose didn't want to get up, so it started bleeding in protest. 15 minutes and 1 tissue box later we came to an agreement, I promised to do some sort of exercise every day in the holidays and in return it stopped bleeding. So I moped off to the doctors with mum.Dr. Dad-of-a-guy-in-my-maths-class asked many questions and id some tests. Then he started asking me questions like "do you have a good mum?" I kinda had to say yes, because she was sitting right next to me and is good friends with Mrs. Mr-Dr. He said I had signs of depression, silly man. Anyway, he must be good if he can spot depression from a sore thoat. But he thought I might have glandular fever. So off to the hospital I went, so that the nice lady could suck my blood. But after the blood stopped coming out of my arm, it started coming out of my nose and my mouth! So for the rest of the day everything tasted like blood.

I don't think I'll become a vampire anytime soon :)

blahhh....

I've been sick the last 3 days. I feel horrible! I physically can not eat anything with out feeling immense pain and, horribleness. My head is killing me! And the computer keeps turning off! and I have to write my magazine article for english, but it keeps disappearing and I can't be bothered to find my sister to steal her computer and father dear father is, somewhere, I can't ever be bothered finding him, even though he is a computer expert person. blah... So Wednesday I slept ALL day lol but when I woke up I was starving and suffering from severe head explodingness. yesterday I was watching flight of the concords, if you haven't seen that GO NOW!! it's very funny. And I only just woke up an hour or so ago. at least I haven't had to go to school, hopefully I can be like this until monday, mondays are the worst of all worsts!!! I think we have to do a presentation on our article, but hopefully I don't have to. Because I'm going to pathway 1 class, which is the nerdy class, for the rest of the year I think. There's only like 2 or 3 weeks left, but I hate my class now, every thing you write, they're like "oh my god, freak" being a freak is fun but. It's just that they have been poisoned into thinking that it is a bad thing, which it never was and never will be. 

Have I told you about our plans for every monday parties in the holidays? well every monday we're going to go down town and entertain people :) we're going to have conversations with loud speakers and do that thing where you all point up at the sky and every one else is all confused coz they don't know what were looking at, and then we're gonna be like "oh my gosh! oh no!!!! RUN!!!!!!!" and just sprint off lol and every one will be like wtf!!?? and we're going to stick random sticky notes everywhere with like you are loved on them and R2R will rule the world :) should be good! 

I think I shall go now, I can't actually see lol can't be good...

why are clouds such heavenly things when they just rain on you?

I've heard from so many people that every one has a story, and every ones story should be heard. But yesterday I was asked for my story. I don't know what my story is. I suppose this is kind of my story, but not really, it's just thoughts. Is that a story? I was taught that stories have a beginning, a middle and an end, thats how it goes right? I don't know where mine began. When I was born? so I was two months early, Is that what starts my story? or what about when I tried to run away, didn't get far, no one realized, and I got bored, there's no where to go here, closest town is 200k away. Or maybe when I first cut, or the first day I wished I was dead, I can't even remember when that was. Or are all these things the middle of my story? The middle of my story is still going isn't it? every one's story is still going. It keeps going until we die, but they don't have endings like the books. Everything doesn't get resolved, we might not find the answer, it doesn't end with a big scene of people hugging. It just stops, sometimes mid sentence, and THE END! It could seem like it's the middle, and then suddenly it's the end. Is that how it works? still doesn't help me. What's my story? what's your story?

and so they called it sunday, it was good, then they realized that monday was coming back again, that was not good

Sunday is boring, that is a true fact. They are home, I am home, is this home? I'm not sure if my heart is here. I'm not sure it's anywhere. I wouldn't miss this place. There's only 1 person I'd miss, but we will leave together, and find a better place. 900 km's will do for now. We will be in a place closer to heaven, but a place we are still human, and still can feel pain. We'll find the music that saves us, and those who create it. Who knows, we might become a part of it. Well let it take over us, replace the blood in our veins. It'll be the air that we breath. The words that we speak. We will belong. To the music. 

It's saturday

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         

my halloween card and some other photos I took with a camera from school :)

some new found wisdom

I think I now know why the nurofen packet says "take 1 with water" and not "take 5 with brandy" :) I'm smart, I know. So I ended up having spaghetti canny last night because I couldn't be bothered walking to the shop. And I was so bored that I did the dishes, twice, made choc chip cookies, emptied the dish washer and cleaned every ones crap up :) oh and ate some choc chip cookies.  

I got up at about 1pm today. It was hot :( but I wore winter stuff anyway :) No one shall see my skin! I want winter to come back! every one becomes obsessed with the beach in summer. And I'm expected to go LOTS because I live a few streets away. I like the beach sometimes, but if it's hot, I'd rather just swim in the bath :) When I was little once, father promised to take us to the beach and I was all excited. But he went to work instead I think. But I'd already had my bathers on half the day, and had all the beach stuff out. So I ran a really cold bath, put sand in the bottom, got some shells and all the beach stuff and had a beach-bath. I found out that it wasn't the best idea later, when I had to clean all the sand and stuff from the bathroom. Oh well. 

All the summer clothes have taken over the shops. There's not many shops here, just the surf shop, target, just jeans and some other old peoples shops. I don't like the surf shop much. It's way too expensive and they don't have much interesting stuff. Target is, okay, but it's been taken over with high school musical stuff, hannah montana and The Veronicas. And every one else wears it. Just jeans is half full of mini-mini shorts and skirts and the other half is Camp Rock t-shirts or lacy, strappy stuff. I just buy lot's when we go to Perth, which isn't that often. Because Perth is maybe 8-9 hours drive and 10 hours bus trip away. Hopefully I'm bussing up in January with my friend for the after christmas sales and hopefully going to see a band, hopefully. not sure what band, but I'll find one. 

It's new years soon! I'm going to try and organize a new years eve party with my friends, normally I just go to family friends, pretty boring. But you're suppose to start the new year the way you want it be like aren't you? So I want to start it having fun. I think we're having a christmas party this year. Ashley is leaving to travel around Aus next year so were having a party for her too. And In the holidays I'm going to make sure I see my friends LOTS and do other stuff. And I'm going to try to do something each day, like go for a walk or something. And I'm going to make some clothes or something. Something completely unique that no-one else will have. And I'm going to get my cousin to help me out with guitar, because at the moment I can only play one hilarious song. Last holidays I taught myself a bit of piano. I can play a few songs, so I'm going to do more of that too. And I'm going to make some christmasy stuff, get into the whole "christmas spirit" thing. Got to think about some new years resolutions too. I can't even remember what my resolution was for this year, I think it was about not judging people or something like that. I think that has worked. I don't what to do for 2009, any ideas? To get out of this town! but that would never happen, mum and father like it here apparently. My sister is moving next year I think :( I'm going to miss her. She kind of understood me sometimes, even if she does hate me. I don't want to be here with them alone. She knew what I was talking about when I said I don't like it here and I don't fit in. Mum and Father are just like "well, just be like them and you will fit in"  I DO NOT want to be like them, I will not be a sheep. I tried it once, being like them. It didn't work. I felt stupid. I was in the "cool" group once. People kept saying I was "cool" I could never believe them, I wasn't "cool" I was just following. My friend says there are 2 different kinds of cool, the sheep cool, when you're only cool because you're like the others, and the awesome cool, when you're cool because you're interesting, and actually somebody. I want to be awesome cool. but being awesome cool often means that the others think you're a freak, but that's ok.  

I don't mean to be a bother, But have you seen this girl?

I've been thinking about things I love tonight. But I can't actually think of anything I've loved doing. I suppose I've never really done all that much. I've never liked sport like most people around here. I played soccer on the weekends when I was younger, because my uncle started the soccer association here. I hated it so much. Couldn't do anything and people were extremely patronizing, they treated me like I was from Special Ed. I did dancing for a bit too, I didn't like dancing in front of people. They were all the popular people who thought they were perfect. I go to running sometimes, that's not too bad, I just never feel like it, every ones hell pro. There's not much to do here that's not sport. Sometimes the arts centre puts on some classes and stuff. A while ago they did a winter music festival, I loved it! Harlequin League and Sugar Army came down from Perth. Me and my friend had SO much fun! we were all spinning around and dancing and singing and just having fun. And there was suppose to be song writing classes and some other cool classes so we were going to do that, but they cancelled them all :( That's the only time anything like that has happened here. That's what I love. 

 

the sun is in the sky

happy friday!!!!! I love friday! I love the feeling you get when school finishes. I get all excited about the weekend, knowing that I have 2 days ahead without school! I don't get that on saturday, I just think about sunday, sundays boring. But friday is a good day. I finished my photography assignment today, I'm very proud of it. It's a halloween card with a picture of my friend that I took in the studio. No, I'm not saying my friend is scary haha I photoshopped it to be scary and added a few brushes and CHADAA!! hehe The teacher was impressed, now I'm impressed hehe. And in craft were just making random stuff and we don't have to do any bookwork yay!! so for the past 2 days we've been making felt. It's so much fun, throwing the wet felt at the desk and splashing every one :) Kind of pisses my friend off but. And we were trying to make felt balls, I couldn't hehe Every one elses looked soo cool. But mine looked like a hamburger patty, for real! so i threw it at my friend :) but my other felt looks cool. 

No one will be at home agin tonight (except me) yay! gonna have loud music and have a party (without the people hehe) but my friends are working, going camping, going to sydney! or live away away. boring! It was Michelles last day today, she is giong to SYDNEY!! until the holidays. I'm going to miss her. Class will be boring! Because in math we just draw voodoo drawings and in craft we have FUN and she is my photography buddy. the other girl in photography that we go with never does anything. So when you're out taking photos she's always like"can we go back now?" and she made us walk across to the AG block to get pictures of horses and then she was like "this is boring, lets go back" blah... but we're going to be designing cd covers for what ever band we want, we can even make one up. It's going to be cool, I have heaps of music-y brushes and stuff :) What shall I have for dinner tonight? hmm... don't feel like spaghetti canny or anything really. I might go to the shops later and get something.

It didn't rain much today, first time in a while. It was kinda hot though, so I got a can of coke on the way home from the bus stop. I was walking with sarah and trying to convince her to give me discount ( she works at IGA) coz I needed to buy some razors too, but i could only find $3 in my bag, just enough for coke. Melissa was being a mime and we couldn't understand what she was trying to say, she kept cracking up at our guesses. Pretty funny. But she's going camping this weekend :( With scouts and al the people really annoy her, so she's going to be all zen and not let them and meditate and all hehe I'm going to try that also. Tried it today a bit, didn't much work. Katelin kept calling me a sheep!! just because I was going with Ashley to the oval, but she goes with every one to the library anyway, so she can't speak. Library is so BBOOORRRIINNNGGG!!!!!! haha It's bad enough going there for a single of english, but to go there at lunch as well!! Sometimes we go there at lunch to play cards but we don't actually go to the book-y bit, we do the whole underground gambling thing in one of the "learning rooms" :)

hmm.. what else happened today... oh, at lunch after we got called sheep, we had a fun conversation with Rhianna who is new. she hates it here too and is wanting to go to boarding school. So we were thinking of ways she could get expelled and seeing as it's the only high school here, she'd have to go to boarding. But we realized it's REALLY hard to get expelled here, because they just give you warnings, then detentions, then after-schools and then a whole shit load of time outs before you can even get suspended for 1 day haha She decided that on the next test she gets she is just going to answer with random sentances and write fuck this all over it, hopefully it's a science test. That would be funny because our science teacher is soo hilariously empty of any humour. Emily didn't know what scurvy was in the last test so she wrote "it's a burning of the anus" haha someone put some of the kidney we were dissecting on the teachers desk too, but I'm not sure if she realized haha

any ways, off to get some vitamin D while its still there. We were talking about the sun being so bright today and my friend was like "where is the sun really?" hehe

hmm...

I'm bored, again. there was something i decided on today, but I can't remember what... oh well. nothing's ever very important these days. Oh I've decided that I'm going to colour my hair for world's greatest shave in 2oo9. I got my friends to agree to it aswell. Just got to decide what colour, I don't know. My friend wants us all to die our hair the same colour, a little bit freaky. Maybe green, or yellow, or red, whatcha think? It's strange to think that someone might be reading this. You know, you write something and want some one to read it and then when they do, it's like, wow, some one is actually reading this? haha I'm glad this isn't a conversation, how akward would that be?! haha, but conversations are mostly akward, mine are anyway. I think about things before I say them. I think too much and then I'm like , oh maybe I wont say that, and even if I want to, by then it's too late haha ah... I am strange, but at least I'm not a sheep. 

I'm still bored, I can't be bothered doing anything, my siters going rollerblading, mum's going to running club. I kind of want to go, but I don't really. Might go for a walk along the foreshore. The beach looked good when I was on the bus, but I don't know now. Things change too quickly here. It's like things are perfect, the sky's blue, winds not too bad, beach is good, temperatures nice. so you go get ready for the beach or what ever and then it's flooding and stormy.  Oh well. I'm starving. I didn't eat my muffin at recess (that word annoys me "recess") coz it's got all stuff I don't like, so I gave it away and I didn't feel like bread, so I ate the lettuce from my sandwich haha there's absolutely nothing to eat. Might go to IGA if I go for a walk and get an apple :) oh how I long for apple pie, all that yummy sweet apple and the delicious pastry. Oh, dear me.

Well I'm off to be bored somewhere else. All people have gone from the house :) 

underground gambling scene

today was weird. It was like I kept skipping bits. I don't remember getting off the bus, all I remember is walking home with music in my ears. I don't even remember putting my ipod on. Maybe I should get some sleep sometime. I got my science test back today, didn't do that good. I got 30 out of 48, could have done worse I suppose. But I got everything mixed up. I hate biology ! so far we've dissected lungs, a heart and a kidney. The teacher makes us! it's so disgusting.

  Got locked in one of the rooms in the library today. But we were too scared to ask the grumpy lady to get us out, she hates us. When we first got there we were looking for Naomi and she was like "girls! what are you doing? no cruising or standing round! Move!!" so we went to Naomi's friend to ask where naomi was and grumpy lady went off her nuts at us! so we had to text someone to let us out. We started an underground gambling circuit in the library :) we get people to come play cards with us. most of the time we just play tongues though :) but today we were gambling, it was fun. We were all trying to do "poker faces" Emily kept cracking up and every one would go spaz at her hehe

  Had a double of tennis first up. hate tennis! but we had our own scoring system. 2 points if you can hit the ball while being dorothy the dinosaur and singing, 2 points if you can hit the ball while hopping on one foot and saying the alphabet backwards and 1 point if you can do a ballerina spin after you serve :) and random points when we felt like getting points. I got 20 points :) but it started raining and we weren't allowed in so my hair was crazy all day blah...

yay

so it was my birthday yesterday. woooo... ok, so it wasn't as bad, but it was so boring! I hate people saying happy birthday, dunno why. probably coz they only say it to be polite, no one really cares. What's so important about being older anyway? It's not like each birthday you're gonna learn something really cool and important. hmmm... what did I learn yesterday? ooh I have an extremely low risk of getting cardiovascular disease, yay? I told mum and she was like "you? really, how is that?" probably because i hate sport s she thinks I'm all unhealthy. But you know what? I'm not! I was like pretty actually fit when we did a test in science! weird! so anyways... back to yesterday. I got $30 from my cousins! and a voucher for the music shop! and some paints! and also some wierd clothes. shorts that didn't fit and looked hilarious, so mum took them back and got me a black scarf and the only other thing I could find was a skirt. Pretty cool! We looked every where for some cool long socks, none! I need them! It's gonna get hotter soon, I need to cover my legs!!!! they are highly unpublic!! haha

and when summer comes... christmas follows it! I'm making my friend a CD and I wrote her a book, I'll put it up here when it's finished. It's hilarious! and it's not suppose to be funny hehe there's only 3 weeks of school left not including this one. there's omly 2 days left of this week. and it's all good coz I have single photography tomorrow and double friday!!! yay I'm gonna be handing my project in, should do good. Teacher liked my stuff. And she likes my sister coz she gave us a whole heap of brushes (she does graphic design) 

So I'm gonna keep writing because I'm REALLY bored! Me and my friend decided we were going to get a life today. we were talking and we were like "we don't do much do we? we need a life!" so as there's not much to do round here, I'm going to go to the volunteer centre and see what we can do. then we can help people, have a life and feel good at the same time :) good plan ay?

My friend also made me think. she asked me what I was going to do when i "grew up". firstly, I don't ever want to grow up! and secondly, I had no idea! but I was looking on the TWLOHA website and I thought I would love to work there. So when I "grow up" I'm going to go to America and work with them, doing something good. Or I want to be a music journalist. I want to go see awesome bands. Can't do that here.

I'm going to go now, my father keeps coming up behind me blah... it's bad enough knowing he's in the house, I don't want him to act like he cares, just so he can look at his wonderful computer

I feel like someone from TV...

... and not in a good way. 

I've been feeling really crap, can't remember when I wasn't feeling this way. So I spend a lot of time reading blogs and finding people that I can relate to. I found a lot of websites that have peoples stories and also things to help you. This is going to sound so dumb, but I did a few quizzes. The result of every single quiz tells me that I'm depressed. I don't know why. So a lot of things aren't going well for me. But I don't have major problems, like abuse or anything. No one would believe me, they don't understand anything. They think problems are stupid. They don't understand why anyone would want to starve them selves, cut them selves, drink or do drugs. I never use to, but I certainly do now. The people I know are very shallow and judging. That is why I will never tell them. That is why I don't want to be here anymore.

I feel really stupid. I mean, online quizzes! I don't think there is even any one to help round here. I'd have to go to the doctor. then every one would know that I didn't feel normal. I don't even go to the doctor if I get sick or hurt. People would find out, they'd see the red on my skin.

Online quizzes. they're stupid right? I'm stupid. What am I going to say? "mum, take me to the doctor. the computer thinks I'm depressed"? I think not.

I'm afraid that some times you'll play lonely games too. games you can't win 'cause you'll play against you.

I really am so very bored. It's stormy and things are flooded and there is absolutely nothing to do, except type. Every thing is quite messed up, me, them, that place, this life. I bought a kids book yesterday. OH The Places You'll Go by Dr Suess. My favourite teacher use to read it, it was her favourite book. It is really a great book. What should I buy with my birthday money? I don't know what I want. My birthday is on tuesday. My party was crap. they always are. I don't much like parties. I don't like going to other peoples houses and I don't like being the host. I never want to do what every one else wants to do. I get bored of people. I'm going to make thank you cards. and christmas cards. I don't think I'll be able to survive school tomorrow.

aloneliness

I'm the only one in the house right now, I've been the only one here since about 6. But I seem to have just realized, I'm alone, now I'm lonely. Being alone in this house isn't so fun, weird things happen. I'm kinda freaked out. The cat just brought a mouse inside, it was alive, just. I watched her eat it, it's completely gone! It was horrible. It was alive and then it was just, gone. And when I came back the TV had turned itself on! I have no idea why. It also turned itself off. The iMac isn't working well, so I'm on Jamie's computer. I have something corporate up real loud. I can feel it. Last night I wanted to be alone, now I am, I wish it was last night again. Last night my friends were here, it was my party. It didn't go so well. I was fighting with one of my friends, another was sick, two were only here for a little while and one just didn't show up at all. I'd been planning it for ages, one of my friends told me like everyday that she couldn't come, so I didn't give her the invitation. I didn't want her to come much either, she annoys the fuck out of us all. But last saturday she tried to invite herself. So we told her that she wouldn't be able to come. She isn't talking to me now. I was sick most of the week, so I didn't have to deal with it. But she got angry at my best friend. She was trying to make out that it was her fault too. I gave her a sorry card on thursday. she didn't even look at me. I do not ever want to go back to school. Every things fucked up. I was trying not to cry thursday lunch, so I went home. I don't even know how it got like this. It was bearable before, now it's just, i don't know, fucked up. maybe I could be sick or the rest of term. It's my birthday tuesday. No one knows what I like. They think they do. I think there's two people that know what I like. My sister and a girl in my english class who hardly ever speaks to me. I know my sister will get me something good, she always does. She is my hero. I don't want to move. I'm scared I'll find a mouse head or something. I want to dance. I want to go into a coma until tuesday, then again until, forever.

I should probably be doing something else

It's rainy and I'm bored. It always rains on tuesdays! Seriously that is an actual true fact. for all the tuesdays i can remember it has rained. It's not much fun being at school when it rains. Normally it starts raining half way through p1 and 2 (textiles) and doesn't stop. This is most annoying because my next class is completely over the other side of the school and my school is quite big! and to get to the other side of school you have to walk though the middle where there is no cover, so you get wet. It would be ok if we could stop and have fun in the rain, but they watch us and if they see any sign of fun, we get a talking to. And then when you're in class you spend the whole time wishing you were outside in the rain. I have to finnish my presentation for health tonight. It's on acute lymphoblastic leukemia, it probably wont take long, hopefully. I'm doing ALL because thats what Andrew McMahon had and I want to know more about it. I'm partners with a new girl, she's nice, better than most of the people in my health class. But I really DO NOT want to do it at the moment. I don't feel like doing anything much. I want to do garage band, but I don't feel like making noise, and that's the whole thing of garage band. I also want to go for a walk but it's tuesday, raining. I'm just really bored, and nothing I think of sounds fun. I miss being little and finding a whole heap of things fun, I want a cubby house! It was remembrance day today, a few people were wearing the red flowers, but I forgot about it. on the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month we were silent for a minute. That's the longest my math class has ever been quiet! The teacher is getting really angry now, not normal teacher angry. The kind of angry that makes you want to run off and hide even when he's not speaking to you. It's my birthday soon :) I'm going to have a party. But one of my friends is really making me feel horrible. She wont come! She asks me to change it all for her, so I change it up a bit and she finds another excuse why she cant come. She did the same thing last year and she does the same thing when ever we try and organize anything. But I've decided that I'm not going to care. I dont even much enjoy it when she does come :( She makes up rules for everything and frowns at us when we laugh. She is only like 2cm taller than me but she always makes sure to make me feel as small as possible, by pretending that she has to bend down to talk to me, and she is very patronizing. But I should stop complaining, she is normally a good friend. There is a lot more I could say, but I will leave it for now, and try to do maybe some of my presentation. Want to help??

Don't you think it can be good sometimes? If your life is so fucked up that it can't be rebuilt? Like old buildings that just keep falling down, and people try to fix them, and it might help for a little while, ut then it keeps falling down again. In the end it's easier to demolish it and start again. Build something that doesn't keep falling down.

I've never really been able to talk to any one, but the other day I decided i would start. It was only something little but it was still hard to say. I thought my best friend would be the best person to talk to, I'm not sure why, I just figured as she was my best friend she would listen. I told her that I was sad and tired because I'd spent ages with Gran in hospital. She didn't look at me, she didn't ask if gran was ok, she didn't ask if I was ok. She just started telling me about what she had done that afternoon at scouts. She was complaining to me.

When her grandpa went to hospital she sent me a big long text about how she needed someone to talk to. So I talked to her until about midnight and the next day we talked all of the time I saw her , saying the same things over and over again. I listened. She never thanked me, not that I was expecting it, but I was hoping that she'd listen when I talked. She didn't talk to me on the bus because my other friend was telling me a story and I asked her not to interrupt. I was listening.

The sky was the brightest blue I'd seen for a long time, the light bounced off everything. It shined back at me from the smashed bottle lying on the path, from the loud cars driving ahead of me. Every one was rushed. It was 8 o'clock in the morning and people already were rushed. It was 8 o'clock in the morning and I already had tears in my eyes.I didn't want to keep walking, but my 'do what you're told' mind stopped me from turning around. My fear stopped me from stepping onto the road and into the dark. The path welcomed me like it does each morning, the driveway stared at me and the door whispered back at me "there's no turning back"

  She smiled at me, I stretched my mouth into the shape of a smile and hoped it was convincing. My eyes still felt cold and wet. I could feel the paths of the tears drying on my cheeks. They didn't notice any of this. Why would they?

  We walked back over the staring driveway and up the hill to the path. I smiled at her jokes, but I knew where we were going. We were going to the little blue pole like we do everyday. We were going to wait under the tree until the bus stopped in front of us. Then that bus would take us to school and we'd all wish that we had never waited beside that little blue pole.

  I could feel the salty tears coming to my eyes, but I couldn't let them free. I wanted to run as far as I could, but apparently running from your problems only makes them worse. I'd be solving a lot of problems if I did run, but my fear stops me every time. 

  I told her that I'd spent an hour and a half visiting gran in hospital. She didn't ask how gran was, she didn't ask how I was, she just started telling me about her afternoon. Why does she always do that? She doesn't listen, she just interrupts and makes it about her. Always. She asked me if I was ok today, she didn't care if I answered though. She just made it about her. My bad mood then turned into her bad mood and she made sure everyone knew. She asked me if I was tired and I said yes, so that was automatically the reason I was crappy. She wasn't ready to listen and I wasn't ready to talk. So she talked and I thought about overdosing on the panadol that wasn't getting rid of my head ache.

haunted house

This is a poem i wrote for english a while ago. We had to write about a news article. Some family in mexico were sueing the previous owners of their house because they didnt tell them it was haunted. you like?

 

There she stood in the dark old house....

Light shining down on her pale white skin....

All you could hear was the sound of a mouse....

Her eyes open wide like headlights on cars....

Her pupils black like a sky with no stars....

.. ..

The house was old....

The floors they creaked....

The air was cold....

The taps the leaked....

Her arms went crazy ....

Flying through the air....

You could see through her eyes ....

There was no soul inside ....

All you could see was her cold blank stare....

.. ..

The family had moved in just a year before....

The house had smiled and welcomed them in....

The windows like eyes with a soul inside....

But no more....

.. ..

12 months had passed ....

The family was scared....

The health of their daughter was all that they cared....

They called in a team....

To get rid of the ghosts....

They set up cameras on four large posts....

.. ..

.. ..

They sat in a van outside of the house....

Like a pack of hermits who’d found their place....

They stared at their screens....

Watching the girl dressed in lace....

Waiting to see her episode ....

When she goes into devil mode....

.. ..

The staring people didn’t help....

The girl stopped for only a week....

The family all sat down and wept....

The girl was the devil in a different suit....

Her soul was Satan’s treasure and loot ....

.. ..

.. ..

The family blamed it on the house....

That day they left the little mouse....

A family of three the next day came....

The ghosts in the house treated them the same....

.. ..

We were not told about the ghosts....

Or the people with cameras on posts....

We were not told about the freaks....

Or the bathroom with all the leaks....

You owe us a sum of money....

This we do not find at all funny....

Listen

Listen to people!Please! I mean propelly listen to them and what they are trying to tell you. Atleast try and understand!

 A while ago my mum was getting angry at me because I wasn't wearing the pants she bought me anymore. I tried to explain to her that I wasn't wearing them because I didn't like the way they looked and they made me feel uncomfortable and that it wasn't about what others thought of them it was just what I thought of them. She said I had to see it from her point which was that she spent money on them and it was kind of a waste now that I don't wear them. So I asked her to just try and understand the way i felt and the reasons I didn't wear them. She turned around to me and bluntly said "No I don't want to. I bought them and I'm your mother!" How fucked up is that!?

esperance show

It sucked kinda badly.
there was a whole 4 rides. the sky walker, the wave swinger, the bumper cars and a little dragon roller coaster for tinsy kids.
We got a lot of free stuff though, including a light bulb 
I got $2 and a can of coke for eatting chilli ranked 10++/10 for burning toungeness. I sware my toungue nearly burned off!
A man wearing a red frilly satin shirt made a balloon sword for me that looked disturbingly like a penis
A man I don't even know said that I reminded him of a squirrel, that I was a bad person and basically that I deserved to have people be mean to me.
I waisted my money buying one of them spiky metal bracelets and a marilyn mansen bracelt just to freak mum out (it worked)
bumper cars cost $9 now!
we spent ages in the tent with all the boarding school stands and got heaps of information on how to get out of this crappo town. We also became iinsanely jealous of the people who either have enough money to go to good schools or are smart enough to get a scholarship.
The fire works were so lame this year, I almost fell asleep.
there was a whole section for bogans to buy stuff (shirts covered in sware words, body piercings etc)
there was no bertie beatle showbags!

but thats all ok because I got my lets talk tactics cd on thursday and it makes bad stuff go away I love it lots and have had it on repeat the last 2 days (you should get it!)

I don't know why I'm doing this

We were sitting under a tree watching every one else play soft cross, hoping that the teacher didn't notice we weren't. It had started so cliched. Two team captains choosing one person at a time to be on their team. the rules were girl, boy, girl, boy. All the girls had been chosen, I was all that was left, but he still didn't want to pick me. he kept looking past me, looking for someone else. eventually he looked at me and said "uh, yeah, you" He didn't know my name! We stood on the field for the first half, watching the ball being go from end to end, always detouring past us. No one noticed when we left the field, or no one cared. As we sat under the tree she told me how she was so sad, she told me that whenever anyone asked if she was ok she would say that she was fine. she told me how she always regretted not telling the truth. The truth was that she wasn't ok, but after she had told them she was fine. she couldn't say anything more, not even if they could help her. Sitting under that tree we both made a promise to tell the truth and say what we meant, I failed. She told me the truth, the hardest thing to tell anyone, and I said nothing. I didn't know how to say it. I didn't know how she'd react. She doesn't need to know about my problems, she has her own, and what could she do about mine anyway? I don't want her to know the thoughts in my head, I need to be able to help her, she asked for help, I didn't, I wont.